A FUNERAL director has revealed the things you should – and shouldn’t – say to the bereaved

Final send-offs are difficult occasions and many mourners may find it hard to know how to express their feelings.

It’s for this reason Howard Hodgson, a fifth-generation funeral director who has worked in the industry for more than 50 years, wants to explain the etiquette.

Mr Hodgson said: “Funerals can be difficult for many people today because we lack the same code of social discipline and Victorian etiquette associated with traditional services. So they can be hard for people to navigate socially.

“Very often in my career I faced questions about how to dress and what to say.

“Traditional Victorian funerals are characterised by a black dress code and are very much sombre affairs.

“Over the last few years these have started to fall out of fashion and people are increasingly turning towards celebration of life services which are much more about the person who has passed away and less about religion.

“I think this is down to changing attitudes and a desire to have a more uplifting service that commemorates the deceased.”

Nevertheless, whatever the service, being smartly dressed and respectful is necessary at all times.

Avoid trivialising grief

Mr Hodgson, who is also CEO of Affordable Funerals, said: “In my experience it’s always wise to avoid downplaying the severity of the situation, however good your intentions.

“Yes, someone might have lived to the age of 100 but they still leave behind family members who are devastated by their loss.

“Avoid remarks such as ‘they had a good innings’, which can trivialise grief.”

Steer clear of platitudes

Mr Hodgson says the bereaved often find comfort in thoughtful and personal words.

He said: “Platitudes such as ‘they are in a better place’ are both unhelpful and can assume the bereaved holds a religious belief.

“Try offering personal remarks, such as, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss, your father was a kind and caring man and I know he will be missed by us all’.”

Don’t assume you know what someone is going through

Even if you have been in the same position of losing someone, grief is a very personal experience.

Mr Hodgson said: “When in the depths of grief it can be very hard to hear, ‘I know how you are feeling’.

“The truth is, even if you have been in a similar situation, the loss of a loved one is deeply personal.

Don’t put a time limit on their grieving

Affordable Funerals’ Mr Hodgson said: “I would avoid comments such as ‘time is a healer’ which is true but places a timeline on the grief of the bereaved, however well-meaning the intentions”.