Carers Week: ‘I got engaged – then my mother-in-law had to move in with us’

A LONDONER who started married life by helping to care for her mother-in-law has called for more support for the UK’s ‘hidden army’ of adult carers.

After getting engaged in April 2022, Anne Pridham was looking forward to tying-the-knot.

However, just weeks later, her fiancee’s 89-year-old mum suffered a debilitating stroke. No longer able to live independently, she moved in with the couple who are currently among the four million UK adults caring for an older relative.

Dubbed ‘carents’, they are the largest carer cohort in the UK and are often middle-aged children who either have to juggle caring with their careers and homelife.

For Anne, it has meant an unexpected start to married life – and she’s urged adults across the UK to prepare for the sudden possibility of becoming a carer.

“It wasn’t how I expected married life to start, so it was all a bit of a shock,” she admits.

“But it is really important that – no matter what age your parents are – that you have a plan in place should something happen, as it changes your life.”

And Anne’s advice comes as the number of UK carents is forecast to soar in the coming years due to the nation’s rapidly aging society.

And an expert has warned that millions of Brits are potentially sleepwalking into the role due to common misconceptions about who is responsible for caring for older relatives in later life and what that really entails.

“Many assume that the state will provide for them in later life, meaning that people, particularly in younger age groups, generally give little thought to planning for their old age. Furthermore, individuals often have a residual faith that their family will look after them in old age,” said Dr Jackie Gray.

A respected GP, Dr Gray created an online resource called The Carents Room after her own experience of caring for her elderly father highlighted the unique issues carents encounter – from isolation to a lack of resources.

And a poll carried out ahead of Carers Week by The Carents Room has revealed the shocking toll the role is having on carents like Anne.

Half of all carers for elderly relatives have neglected their own health in order to do the roll, while 60 per cent say their mental health has suffered.

As such, The Carents Room is designed to give carents the support and opportunities needed to make their lives easier. According to Anne, who turned to The Carents Room for support, it has been a “lifeline” to help her during some of the tougher moments in recent years.

“At times it can be quite sweet, as despite her age, she has a great sense of humour while there’s peace of mind in knowing she’s looked after – but admittedly it isn’t easy,” added Anne.

“She needs a wheelchair to leave the house and, now my husband is retired, he spends the full day with her.
“I work, so when I come home I feel like I owe it to him to give him some time away especially as he’s the one up with her at night.
“It can be tough – but thanks to The Carents Room, we know we are not alone.
“I get a boost reading the posts – especially the positive ones – and the questions and comments are so useful.”
Another carent, Louise Thompson, turned to The Carents Room following her own experience of caring parents living hundreds of miles away.

Having realised the need for the service on the back of her own experience, Louise has warned that many Brits – particularly those near retirement – may have their dreams of an easy retirement shattered.

“Being a carent is such an emotional rollercoaster and there can be highs, but it is also emotionally, physically and financially draining,” she added.

“You feel so conflicted as you find yourself so drained, yet with your parents or whoever you are caring for, you can often never do enough for them.

“Often parents are pleading not to be put in a home, but often they don’t realise how much pressure that is putting on their children who are often older themselves by that point.

“It is much harder than you can ever anticipate, and we need to talk more as a society about the reality of carenting – from funding care to the toll it can take looking after a parent with dementia in the small hours.

“And we also need to better brace people who are in their 60s that the retirement you thought you were getting may now include caring for a 90-year-old – but it is great that there are now finally resources available to help guide them.”